The deployment news....

1 year ago today Chad hit me with the news of deployment. I remember feeling the lump in my throat and the tears immediately in my eyes, thinking how do we do this again? And the answer was simple we do it one day at a time even though some days are a lot harder and for awhile it seemed like only hard days, we are surviving. I remember thinking about how hard it was going to be for Chance and how we were ever going to break the news to him. The one think I've learned is he is resilent and he is very much a daddy's boy. I also remember feeling so sad for both Aubri and Chad that they would miss so many "firsts." But I also remember feeling that pride that I can't describe it is something that a soldiers wife feels when she knows that no matter how hard it is for us here at home it must be a million times harder for him. That pride is also knowing that he does what he does to keep us safe here at home. Back then I prayed for the strenght to get through the days without brusting into tears now I pray for strenght to let God do my worrying for me and trusting that he is God's hands and He will see us through.

Our Secret

Chad and I have had a secret for little over two months now and had not planned on telling everyone this early but as life would have it now seems the time to do so. Come October 16, 2010 Chance is going to have a new baby sister or brother!! We found out back on February 5 that we were pregnant. At first we only told a very few family and friends because we wanted to make sure everything was okay. I began having sonograms that day to confirm that everything was okay, and two weeks later we actually saw a flicker of a heartbeat. About that time the morning sickness began. I fully expected to be sick but no near what I have been which is part of the reason we have decided to share our news. I received medication at about 6 weeks after a trip to the ER because the vomiting was so bad but that med didn't help and a week later they switched me to Zofran. This has helped some but this week has been really tough and on Wednesday I was actually admitted to the hospital because I had not kept anything for the last three days. During the last two weeks I have lost over 10 pounds and have been extremely tired. While I was in the hospital they gave me IV fluids and IV meds. This helped greatly and I was released late Thursday night. Everything appears to be going well with the baby and that is the answer to our prayers. Chance is very excited about having a new baby and I know he will be a terrific big brother. Chad has been my night in shinning armour theses days. He taken over the majority of the household chores and refuses to let me cook because he knows the smells really bother me. He has been a wonderful husband and I truly feel blessed to know that even on days its all I can do to make it home and lay on the couch that is going to make sure that everything is done. We are really excited to have a new baby again and a little scared at the same time. Its been 5 years since we have had a baby in the house and we know that it will take some getting use to but we know that it will all be worth it.

Just Breathe

So much to be thankful for......

The turkeys are all cooked and eaten and the dishes all done and it hit me as we were sitting there with our friends as if it were our own house that we are very lucky. This time last year we had just returned to the states and I remembering praying every night and every free moment I had for God to please just let my baby boy be healthy and get us through that tough time. And 3 months ago we got that wonderful news that things were great with him. God answered our prayers and I spend a lot of time for thanking Him for seeing us through that difficult time. This year we have also made some wonderful friends, whom we have spent time laughing and crying with and we have truly been blessed that when we needed them the most they were there for us. These last few months have been hard losing the baby and all but we know that God has a plan for us and just like He did with Chance He will see us through. This is the first year in my entire life that I have not been at my parent's house for Thanksgiving and I was afraid that it was going to be difficult but we opened our home to others and we had a wonderful time and even though I miss my family terribly one thing I've learned in the 5 years of being an Army wife is that where ever you go you find family and we know that the friendships we've made over the last few years will be ones we cherish forever.

The Roads We Travel

I'm really not even sure how to start this blog, our family has been though a lot in the last few weeks and we've only shared that news with very few family and friends but I feel now in order to start the healing process I need to let everyone know what happen. Chad and I have been trying for a baby for a few months now and three weeks ago that magic moment happened when the test said pregnant. My joy was quickly ended when I began to start bleeding. It was followed by a trip to the hosptial to have labs done then waiting for a phone call. I was told that yes I was pregnant but my levels were very low and looked like I could be miscarrying. That is the was we were afraid of. I was told that I would need to have labs repeated on Friday. Much to our surprise the levels on Friday had actually gone up, almost tripled. The doctor at that point was not sure what was going on and ordered more labs for Monday, again they were up and more were scheduled for Thursday. Thursday they were up again we were told things looked good but they were going to have the doctor look and see what she wanted to do. Friday night I got a call from the doctor who said things looked good and she felt we were out of the woods and was going to schedule a sonogram for Tuesday at 1000. Yesterday at 1000 our worst fears were confirmed, I was not having a normal pregnancy. There was nothing in the uterus and but was in the fallopin tube. After another sonogram that confirmed the samething we met with the doctor to talk about the options. I underwent surgery last night and due to some damage they ended up having to removed the entire left tube. I'm not sure were we go from here, other than just trying to recover. Chad was been great though the entire process and never left my side. Chance is too young to even try to explain to him what happen so as far as he know mommy has a booboo in her tummy. This is a very hard time for us but we will get through it because we know that God has a plan and we have to trust in that . So please understand that in the next few weeks if we seem a little distant or distracted we are just trying to make it though this difficult time. We are so thankful for all our friends that have been there for us during this time and we appreicate everything you have done for us.

When a kiss doesn't make it all better.....

When we become parents it is inevitable that our children are going to get boo boos and as a mother to a very active toddler I quickly learned that usually a kiss and a hug could make it all better. I loved living in this world that when Chance got hurt he would come running to me crying "Mommy kiss it and make it all better" there were times that this was the highlight of my day. What no one prepares your for is when your kiss doesn't make it all better.....I was 1 year 1 day ago that I I learned this terrifying fact of life. There was staring at my little boy knowing that something was wrong with him and knowing that no matter how many times I kissed the many many bruises and how many times I kissed his nose that it kept bleeding. I won't even begin to describe how I felt because honestly I can't even put that terrifying fear into words. That next morning we sat at our local clinic at 0715 waiting for Dr. McKinney to come in. I had already looked up all of Chance's symptoms and knew that it wasn't going to be something that we just a prescription for and go home, I was trying to prepare myself for the worst but trying to put on a brave face for my little boy. You cannot imagine what it feels like to look at your baby with a black eye, a bruise all down the side of his neck, huge bruises covering his legs that you barely see any normal skin, all up and down this arms, his back and to have set with him for hours on hours during the weekend trying to get his nose to stop bleeding. There are times that I have overreacted but Chad was able to confirm that when I said he was bleeding buckets that he really was. If anyone would have seen our baby they would have swore that he was being severely abused because he looked like some of the children I myself removed from homes. Once we finally saw the doctor and she looked worried it took ever ounce of strength had not to begin sobbing in tears. It was later that morning after all the test that she called me back to her office to telling me she felt that Chance had idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura, ITP. I had no idea what this was and even though Dr. McKinney explained it was serious it was not near as bad as what I prepared myself for. We were quickly directed to the hospital where chance received the first of several treatments. Some how I managed to keep it together that day. I don't think it was until the next day when I finally went home to take a shower that it hit me. Chance has had his highs and lows and we felt it was best for us to come back to the states for treatment and the military assisted us in this process. We have been able to see the some of the best doctors and feel that he has been given world class treatment. It wasn't until that first day that I walked onto the pediatric hematology/oncology floor that I understood how lucky we were. Chance has been able to return to life as normal for the most part, we return for hopefully our last appointment and hopefully remission diagnosis on August 11. Through it all he still runs to me to kiss his boo boo and I am overjoyed to do so. He still gets bruises and my husband tries to tell me its because he's "just a boy" but for me I'm not sure if or when I will ever get to the point that its "just a bruise." I know as he gets older that my kiss isn't going to fix everything but for the time I'm going to relish each boo boo and each kiss that fixes those boo boos.